It has been a long time since I last communicated with you, but it's not because I don't care. If I could, I would lick each and every one of you. But today I write to you because my heart is heavy with the shame of last weekend's events, and I need to unburden myself.
First, I was forced to participate in incomprehensible human activities. I fully understand why you humans choose to cover your inadequate bodies with manufactured items. If I had such an inferior amount of fur, I would want to cover myself as much as possible. I wish my fellow canines who posses ugly, fur-less bodies would similarly cover themselves. For instance, I think the chihuahua should cover himself completely -- preferably in a sack, weighted with rocks and sewn up to prevent any chance of escape before it was thrown into an impossibly deep body of water.
But me, with my glorious coat of luxurious fur, why was I forced to don clothing this weekend? I didn't want to do it, but it seemed to please the human puppies so much. I did it for them and them only. Here is a picture of my humiliation. As you can see, I am trying to hide my face from the shame of it all:
Can you not see my clothes? Here is a better look:
I wish I could blame humans for the second part of my problems, but I myself am the culprit. While I was unhappy to be constricted by the clothing placed upon me, I was thrilled to be included in the human gathering which took place around the corner. There were numerous humans and their puppies there, and even some fellow noble canines were there. Some were troubled as I was with human-styled clothing. I am grateful that I was not encumbered with headwear, as was poor dear Spike.
To further my delight (and that of my dog friends), this gathering included human food and the glorious, glorious human food delivery device called the PAPER PLATE. You see, at parties, food FALLS OFF these things ONTO THE GROUND where it belongs. So I can eat it. Which I did. Lots and lots and lots of it.
As a result, it took two days for my stomach to get back to normal. I know you silly humans do not like to discuss the fascinating topic of leavings and their various smells and consistencies, so I will not broach that. Suffice it to say I was not as happy as I normally am.
I also must mention that my humans finally did something I've always wanted to do, and I was allowed to participate with them: they convinced the surrounding humans to open the entrances to their caves, so we could get a good look and sniff inside! They were even given human-treats for doing so! I don't understand why we do not do this every day.
I was exhausted from this whole ordeal, but imagine my relief when my human-styled clothing was put away and I was no longer forced to wear it.