Saturday, July 25, 2009

I, Moxie, Need Your Advice

Greetings, humans.

Today I am troubled. Perhaps some of you female humans can help me with a perplexing situation that has developed. Of course, if you males have some insight for me, I would appreciate that as well. I am unsure how to act.

I have an unwelcome male admirer and I don't know what to do about it.

He is a pleasant enough fellow, and I didn't mind playing and sniffing with him. But his sniffing lingers longer than is socially acceptable for a friendly greeting, and I become uncomfortable. I try to engage him in play, to let him know we should just be friends. This works for a small while, but then he slobbers on me in an intimate manner I do not appreciate, yet I do not want to snap at him, as he is, as I stated before, a pleasant fellow. But I do not find him the least bit attractive.

You see, he is some sort of boxer/bulldog/pit bull hybrid, with a wide drooling maw that some might find alluring, but I do not. I prefer labradors or some mix thereof, with their silky ears and dark intelligent eyes and muscular hindquarters...

Ahem. I am forgetting myself.

If he were the rude and cowardly chihuahua who sticks his rat-like pinhead through the knot hole in his fence and shouts idle threats at me, I would have no problem crushing his skull and disposing his body in a shallow grave where the ever-circling buzzards could find him and pick apart his rotting carcass. I myself couldn't eat him, since his tiny, pathetic bones are probably like those of a chicken, that could easily shatter and choke me. I have considered this likelihood when I fantasize about killing him, which is every time we pass his fence. I do not like that nasty hairless thing.

But the boxer dog, Vince, I like. Just not in "that way." How do I tell him without hurting his feelings?