Saturday, July 25, 2009

I, Moxie, Need Your Advice

Greetings, humans.

Today I am troubled. Perhaps some of you female humans can help me with a perplexing situation that has developed. Of course, if you males have some insight for me, I would appreciate that as well. I am unsure how to act.

I have an unwelcome male admirer and I don't know what to do about it.

He is a pleasant enough fellow, and I didn't mind playing and sniffing with him. But his sniffing lingers longer than is socially acceptable for a friendly greeting, and I become uncomfortable. I try to engage him in play, to let him know we should just be friends. This works for a small while, but then he slobbers on me in an intimate manner I do not appreciate, yet I do not want to snap at him, as he is, as I stated before, a pleasant fellow. But I do not find him the least bit attractive.

You see, he is some sort of boxer/bulldog/pit bull hybrid, with a wide drooling maw that some might find alluring, but I do not. I prefer labradors or some mix thereof, with their silky ears and dark intelligent eyes and muscular hindquarters...

Ahem. I am forgetting myself.

If he were the rude and cowardly chihuahua who sticks his rat-like pinhead through the knot hole in his fence and shouts idle threats at me, I would have no problem crushing his skull and disposing his body in a shallow grave where the ever-circling buzzards could find him and pick apart his rotting carcass. I myself couldn't eat him, since his tiny, pathetic bones are probably like those of a chicken, that could easily shatter and choke me. I have considered this likelihood when I fantasize about killing him, which is every time we pass his fence. I do not like that nasty hairless thing.

But the boxer dog, Vince, I like. Just not in "that way." How do I tell him without hurting his feelings?


  1. Moxie, I'm afraid I don't have as much experience as you obviously do with unwelcome advances, but have you tried rolling in something dead? It usually works for me.

  2. It is good of you to try to help me in my predicament. Your suggestion might work if Vince were a dog of refined tastes and great dignity, like a standard poodle, or perhaps a greyhound or afghan.

    Unfortunately, for a dog like Vince, rolling in something dead would qualify as foreplay, I am afraid.

    Thank you anyway.

  3. "Vince, I'm just not that into you."

    You're welcome.

  4. "Muscular hindquarters"... you do have a way with the English language Moxie!

    A firm growl and snap will usually do the trick, but it sounds as though your unfortunate friend Vince needs a stronger message. You may need to gather some friends for this... I know a labrador who would be happy to help. Next time Vince arrives, you and your friends simply herd him into the sea. No ocean nearby? Try a lake. And don't forget to tie the handy cement block to his collar.

    Thank you.

  5. Ms. Idaho, you overestimate the mental capabilities of Vince. Vince is confused by butterflies. I'm afraid logic of this sort simply will not work on Vince.

    Monkey, I knew a fellow non-human would understand. We have a lake somewhat nearby, but the swimming pool is even closer. I will put the cement block on him, but I suspect a cement block already resides in his cranium.

    Also, is the labrador single? I ask for a friend.